| . : News : . | . : Message of the Week : . |
You are currently viewing an archive of the Wilderness Guardians clan's IPB1 forums.
These forums were used by WG from 2008 to 2011, and now exist for historical and achival purposes only. For the clan's current forums, CLICK HERE. |
"You are a Wilderness Guardian. That northern wasteland; that land of blood, desolation and death is your dominion. Tonight we are going home." ~His Lordship |
|---|---|---|
| War Alert: OFF | Raid Alert: OFF | |
PM a WG Official |
||
Posted: August 4, 2009 04:05 am  | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
      IRC Nickname: Kurt Cobain Group: Guest Posts: 329 Member No.: 1619 Joined: January 7, 2009 Total Events Attended: 2    | The title says a lot here, and I need to ask what you guys would do individually in this situation that just came to my attention like an hour ago. This does have a point, so please, offer serious advice! I don't want to have stupid comments that don't seem to relate to this dilemma Anyway, here's the situation: My friend texted me an hour ago and said, "Hey bro, you know how I wouldn't take advantage of you or ask you for something I couldn't pay back, right? You trust me?" At this point, I thought he wanted me to go shopping at guitar center or something, but then he hit me with this. He says, "I need a place to live after I turn 18 in November and I'll pay rent to live there." Now, my friend lives in a pretty abusive household. He's moved multiple times and been in the American foster family system multiple times because of this abusive household. He's gotten back to his parents now and it hasn't changed at all. He got into a lot of fights last year with his father over stupid stuff (grades mostly) and he even came to school after he'd been gone for a day, only to show up with a black eye. Right now, he's paying his father to live in his house and it's been an okay situation for now... Unfortunately for him, his dad is kicking him out of the house when he turns 18 in November, so he turned to me because I am, as he just put it "Not just his last hope, but his ONLY hope." I have never been put in this situation before, so please, someone help me out! I told him what I thought he should do about this situation, and I said that if I'm his only hope, then its not in my hands. I don't own my house, my father does, which means that you would have to not only run it by me now, but run it by BOTH my parents AND get my dad to agree to this sort of thing. My dad is a reasonable person (and an elder at his church), while my mother is a pastor, so I'm sure that they wouldn't let my friend out into the cold, dank street, when he's pleading and offering to pay rent to live at my house. I still told him that "I can't help you except give you a good referral to my parents, but beyond that, I have no control over this." Last point, I need advice. I feel helpless in this situation, and he's putting a hella pressure on me to get him off the street in November, but I know that I have little to no control over this situation. I know that if he wants to work out a deal with my dad, he'll HAVE to tell him about his home situation as it is, and I have no idea how my dad will take that. I don't know if he'll call the cops, or confront my friends father face to face, and in that situation, I don't know how the end will play out! I need help from the WG community, is there anything I missed that I could possibly say or do to console my friend or have I done all that I can so far? --------------------  Thanks Sam for an awesome job and an awesome wait! 
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Posted: August 4, 2009 04:30 am | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 IRC Nickname: Matt|Georgio9 Group: Emeritus Posts: 706 Member No.: 94 Joined: January 3, 2008 Total Events Attended: 0 | Hmmm. I think having your friend personally ask your parents is a good thing. But I also think that before he asks, you should talk to your parents and go through the situation first to sort of warm them up to the predicament. Does your friend have a plan for college/university? Does he have the means to pay rent? Those are the kinds of things your parents will probably want to know before taking him in as well. --------------------   | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Posted: August 4, 2009 04:35 am | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| IRC Nickname: Kurt Cobain Group: Guest Posts: 329 Member No.: 1619 Joined: January 7, 2009 Total Events Attended: 2 |
I don't know about his true plans for college, since he's flip-flopped on me multiple times (one minute, he wants to go to GIT, the next he's a chef, and then he's a programmer), so I really have no idea what he wants to do, or how he's going to pay for it. He told me he gets about $150 a week where he works, but I don't know how that will change with school coming up, if it will change at all... I know that I'm going to have to talk to my parents about it eventually, but I do want him to do the negotiations while I sit back and watch, since I don't think that its fair for him or for me if I have to be the one doing the pitch to my parents. I would go more in depth with my friend about this, but unfortunately, I'm tied up for 10 hours a day this week with my last week of summer school. Hopefully I can talk to him before school starts though, since that would be ideal for me to talk to him... -------------------- Thanks Sam for an awesome job and an awesome wait!
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Posted: August 4, 2009 04:43 am | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 IRC Nickname: Lefty Group: Emeritus Posts: 3340 Member No.: 1055 Joined: June 30, 2008 Total Events Attended: 211 | Talk to your parents about the situation. They should understand that he has been in systems for fostering him before and that they have not worked or whatever has happened. From the way you explain it, your parents should have enough of a heart, and should allow him to live with you, even if he couldn't make payments. It would be something that your parents would have to discuss in depth, and it is something out of your hands. All you can do is leave it up to your parents. My suggestion? Ask your parents, bring it up. Have them both sit down with you and talk about it, and also as a family brainstorm any other possible ideas. I personally know that some abusive parents will be even more abusive to their children when they find out that the child is trying to take matters into their own hands and pass the information on to other people. I don't know about your parents or the situation, but it could be something that is going on. --------------------      | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Posted: August 4, 2009 04:49 am | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| IRC Nickname: Kurt Cobain Group: Guest Posts: 329 Member No.: 1619 Joined: January 7, 2009 Total Events Attended: 2 |
Thats kind of what I'm afraid of... That and that this whole situation is completely out of my hands. I want to provide help for my friend, but at the same time, I don't want my father to confront his father since I have no idea how that will play out. I don't know if they'll have a reasonable talk like reasonable people or if his father will be childish and start throwing punches at my 56 year old dad. I still want to talk to my friend in more than just a text message though, preferably face to face and then have both of us talk to my parents about this whole issue. -------------------- Thanks Sam for an awesome job and an awesome wait!
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Posted: August 4, 2009 05:27 am | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 IRC Nickname: Gibble00 Group: Emeritus Posts: 775 Member No.: 100 Joined: January 3, 2008 Total Events Attended: 9 | He'll be turning 18 in November so that makes you both high school seniors, yes? So this would maybe involve him living at your place for maybe 9 months? Unless he found a place sooner? I don't know your dad, but I don't think he would feel pressured to call the cops or confront your friend's father, those seem a little extreme. I think the situation is a realistic one and your friend should be treated maturely and the situation is only as serious as he makes it to be. Obviously it's up to your parents whether he can stay, but maybe before you figure what you want you could loosely run it by your parents. There's a lot of pressure on you. If I was in your position, I would probably let my friend live at my place. But I know my dad would be cool with it and probably wouldn't even let him pay rent if he wanted to. Sometimes with these things, the best thing to do is think of it not as a big deal, especially if you might be cornered into a decision. Getting into the "Of course you can stay, it's not a problem" mindset could help for now and later. IF you have any other options for your friend you could throw them out there, like if there are other people you think he would be better off living with. Also, November is still a ways away, there's plenty of thinking time for everyone. I dunno the situation, but maybe this dude's dad will change his mind, who knows, it's only early August. Edit: Sorry, I began typing this before other posts, so some of this is restated, etc. Edit2: I can somewhat relate to this, because one of my friends is declaring independence from her parents soon because she doesn't want to deal with them anymore (not abusive, but far from nice to her) and shes moving out, but shes in college so its not as big of a deal, just doesnt know where she'll be living. --------------------  | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Posted: August 4, 2009 05:41 am | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 IRC Nickname: Dnovelta Group: Emeritus Posts: 2750 Member No.: 130 Joined: January 20, 2008 Total Events Attended: 137 | First things first - talk to your folks. If both are with the church, your friend stands a good chance at getting a place to stay simply based off the good morals of your parents. Make sure your friend can in fact live up to what he's offering. If he's having trouble maybe skip the rent, but have him pitch in for groceries and gas for the car - he can take care of things around the house such as taking out the trash, mowing the lawn and stuff like that. I'm not so sure about just sitting back and watching things unfold. Talk to your parents, then have him talk to them but be involved. You obviously want to help, so when he's laying it all out, make sure to back him up. Your parents don't sound like frugal people that would kick him out in his time of need because he missed a payment, so it seems like all your friend would have to do is show that he'll be responsible and respectful. If you're really worried about your Dad confronting his father, which sounds horrible seeing as your dad is 56, talk to your Dad about that as well. How many people know about your friend's family life? If enough people know that his father is abusive, you might be able to get a decent group together and confront him - if that's what your Dad's aim is (to confront him about his abusive behavior). You have to let your friend know that you really want to help, and that you're trying to help but that you do not have the final say in the matter. Best advice for your Dad is to be hella careful if he does decide to confront him, as abusive people don't always take kindly to reason. --------------------   | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Posted: August 4, 2009 05:46 am | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| IRC Nickname: Kurt Cobain Group: Guest Posts: 329 Member No.: 1619 Joined: January 7, 2009 Total Events Attended: 2 |
Yes, both of us are.
Seven months, give or take a month. I'll hopefully get into GIT and start in July of 2010, and then I'd be living in LA.
Hopefully I can get in that mindset and it would help, but unfortunately, the only thing I can relate this kind of situation with is talking to my dad a few years ago asking if we could adopt my dog, and thats NOTHING like dealing with a human being, lol...
I wish I knew of a place to turn him to, but I don't know of anyone thats living on their own and able to take in an almost 18 year old kid thats a senior in high school...
Yeah, I'm aware its only early August, but school does start in 3 weeks, and once school starts rolling, it'll be November in what feels like a few days. -------------------- Thanks Sam for an awesome job and an awesome wait!
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Posted: August 4, 2009 06:05 am | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| IRC Nickname: Kurt Cobain Group: Guest Posts: 329 Member No.: 1619 Joined: January 7, 2009 Total Events Attended: 2 |
Yeah, he'd probably be able to do a few chores around the house, but there really aren't a lot of chores to do around my house. I'm pretty sure he'd be able to live up to his promise of rent though, seeing as how he's never given me a reason to believe that he wouldn't be able to keep up with cash if he has a steady job, which could change due to school...
I don't plan on sitting back the entire time, but for the actual negotiations between my parents and my friend, I want him to work with my parents so that I wouldn't have to swoop down and beg my parents to let him stay like he's a hopping puppy in the pet shop window.
As far as I know, I am the only person that knows of my friend's family issues. When he came back to school with a black eye, he said he got it in an accident, but told me at lunch that his dad punched him in the face, and he continually had problems with his dad throughout the year. We tried going to lunch once, on me, and his dad basically cussed him out on his phone while we were in my car. I had to pull an immediate U-turn and push around 50 in a residential zone to get him home in time to keep a confrontation from happening... Back on topic, since I think I'm the only one that knows about it, I don't think I can get enough people to confront his dad, and I know its one of the first things my parents will want to know when I talk to them.
I've already informed my friend that I don't have the last word, but that I will try my best to get him out of a shitty situation, since he's already paying to live in his own house, while at the same time, trying to come up with something to say to my dad to keep him from a physical confrontation, since its the LAST thing he probably wants to do.  -------------------- Thanks Sam for an awesome job and an awesome wait!
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
A little help please?, Advice please